Day 100 of 100!!  Yeehaa!!

WE DID IT! 100 Emotional Lessons in 100 Days (well, about 111, but close enuf!).

Let’s recap what we learned about Taking Control of our Feelings & Emotions…

• Feelings are a GOOD thing, not a Bad thing!  (MOST important!)
• Feelings are a natural, God-given right that all us humans have in common.
• Feelings are who we are, what we care about, and what we’re made of
• Feelings, expressed verbally, with the intensity they are felt, will reduce in intensity and are free to change.
• The 3 very basic steps to dealing with your emotions are:

1. Know what you feel
2. Accept that you feel it.
3. Express your feelings in safe, healthy, productive ways.

• Depression is Anger turned inward (or anger without enthusiasm)
• Guilt and Shame are both toxic, and are both Optional (you can take them or leave them.
• Thou shall not Should on thyself.
• Anger is a secondary emotion — we always feel something first BEFORE we feel anger.
• Chances are you did not learn how to effectively deal with your feelings & emotions as a child, neither from your parents nor your schooling, so you HAVE TO LEARN THESE CRUCIAL LIFE-LESSONS YOURSELF.
• "Our level of mental health is directly related to our sense of Belonging." — in other words, connecting with people and sharing our life, love and experiences is the key to being happy, healthy and successful.
• To be an expert communicator, we need to learn how to SUAL (Shut Up And Listen)!
• Happiness does not come from being successful.  Success comes from being happy.
• Feelings are not debatable, judgments are.  Stick to talking about what you feel and you’ll never have another argument!
• If you know what you feel, you’ll know what you want, and who you are.
• Love really IS the answer!
• Feelings really ARE the key to Happiness!

You CAN take control of your Life, by understanding, appreciating and learning to manage your Feelings and Emotions.

In closing,
Thanks for reading, listening, and caring, and thanks tons for all the wonderful feedback I’ve gotten from ya’ll (the over 500 folks who are currently receiving this e-series).  That’s my reward for pushing myself to write down these many thoughts and truths that run thru my head.  If you need more help with your feelings, and to remain healthy and strong, some choices are:

• Talk to safe people about what you feel.
• Listen, learn and get feedback.
• Read, read, read.  Books, websites, articles, e-courses, whatever you can.
• Go to workshops and classes and learn in person.
• Hire a therapist and/or a life coach to get the personal help you deserve.
• Make it a priority in your life.

Your feelings will be with you 24x7x365 until the day you die, so please do what you can to learn to deal with them properly and effectively.

Let me know what you thought of this series.  If you like what you’ve read here, I have an ebook coming soon, so please stay in touch.  I vow to keep writing, continue life-coaching and carry on teaching our life-changing emotional breakthrough weekend workshop for as long as I possibly can, to as many people as I possibly can.  The world is changing, becoming more and more interested in what’s happening inside us and around us, so I feel this is my place to contribute.

"The last great adventure is our journey inward."

My best to you always!

Keep feelin’ and healin’.

With much love always,
- Matt Perelstein

Day 99 of 100:  We can’t get upset about Everything, right?

We always have Choices, including choosing what we are going to get upset about and what to get in a fight or war over.  Certainly, there are things worth fighting for in life.  Many things.  But there are also times when it’s best to just let things ride and NOT get upset about them. 

• Didn’t that bother you?
• Aren’t you upset about that?
• What about how you were treated?

"Sometimes it’s best to just be a ‘duck’ — let negative things just roll off your back and don’t let them get you down."

- my friend Sydney Rutherdale

Here’s a funny one from the man, himself:

"If A is success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z
is keeping your mouth shut."

- Albert Einstein

Day 98 of 100: Have you ever felt like you weren’t "normal"?

Of course! Almost everyone has felt this at one time or another in their lives.

Doc says "Reality is what you get used to."

That means that whatever you grew up with and lived with on a daily basis probably felt Normal to you, and became your version of Reality. No matter how dysfunctional or unacceptable it was for you, it was still "normal" and it seemed like what you deserved.

In reality, there is no such thing as Normal. Everyone has their own reality and their own life experiences. The big questions are:

• Is your family life Encouraging or Discouraging?
• Do you feel Safe and Accepted at home?
• How can you create a Family atmosphere that works better for everyone involved?

You’re probably NOT weird or abnormal. You probably fit in well with many, many people, if you only knew them better, past the masks and the facades.

Remember, "your level of mental health is directly related to your sense of belonging" (Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs) so find ways you are LIKE people, not ways you are Different.

The one thing that all us humans share in common — regardless of sex, age, religion, color, nationality or upbringing — is that we all have FEELINGS. We all have ‘em, we all have the same ones and there is nothing that you have felt that I have not. We can connect with Anyone, when we speak from our Feelings!

Day 97 of 100:  Do you have a Feeling that is Unacceptable to you?

"If you cut off one feeling, you cut them all off."

- Doc Downing, Ph.D, LMFT

We can’t just cut off one feeling.  If one goes, they all go. 

• Is your Anger unacceptable to you?
• Do you avoid your Sadness?
• Do you feel Depressed much of the time, but deny it to yourself and others?
• Do you carry lots of Guilt and/or Shame?

If so, you’ll probably find that your Love, and Joy, and Peace, and Happiness are all squashed and compressed and "tamped down", as well.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone while trying to ensure that you Don’t bring up an uncomfortable subject?  You probably found that, in trying to avoid that subject, you’re not sure what the heck to say.  That’s the same with feelings.  If there’s a feeling that you "won’t go there", then it can kill your spontaneity, your aliveness and your freedom to be who you really are.

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy."

- Jim Rohn

The key is to ALLOW your feelings, ALL your feelings. 

Embrace them.  Allow them.  Learn from them.  Experience them.  Enjoy that you are open, and feeling, and ALIVE!

(Happy Cinco de Mayo!)

Day 96 of 100: Are you holding on to Resentment?

"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."

If we stay angry at someone, we are carrying that negative energy around inside of us. If we stay resentful, we are hurting ourselves more than the other person. Sometimes, they don’t even KNOW that we’re upset with them, so who is it hurting more?

Forgiveness is the key. Forgiveness is about letting go of the negative energy and thoughts between you and another. It does NOT mean that you Approve of what they did, or didn’t do. It only means that you Accept that they did what they did… ’cause they did (sometimes referred to as ‘reality’ :c )

So let’s do what we can to RELEASE our anger and resentments today. This is in our control. LET GO. Forgive. Find Peace. Relax. Smile.

"Resentment is one burden that is incompatible with your success. Always be the first to forgive; and forgive yourself first always."

Day 95 of 100:  Respecting other people’s feelings

We keep talking about dealing with OUR feelings, but what about other people’s feelings?

The better we know ourselves, the more understanding and compassionate we can be for others.

• Sometimes people are scared, or insecure, but they Sound angry.
• Sometimes people are sad, or down, but they push people away with energy and grumpiness.
• Sometimes people just need us to listen to them, or even give them a hug, when they are feeling alone, or bashing themselves.

When we KNOW ourselves — our feelings, our protections, our issues, our mechanisms — we are better able to SEE what others are really feeling, and be there for them.

Try it.  Today, when you interact with others — whether they are bitchy, or grumpy, or angry, or down — see if you can guess what they are Really feeling, underneath all that, and treat them with compassion, understanding, awareness and respect.  THAT’s personal growth — not that we are Better than others — but that we Understand others and can see what’s really happening, inside.

Good luck with it.

Day 94 of 100:  Be Happy!

If you don’t FEEL HAPPY, then Fake it ’til you Make it!

Act happy, exaggerate enthusiasm, move your body, smile, move, sing, dance.

Tell your body that you’re happy… and if you do it long enuf, it might just believe you!

Enjoy!
- Matt

Day 93 of 100:  What would it be like to have only yourself?

So many of the New Orleans-area Katrina victims were left with what?   NOTHING.  Absolutely, 100% Nothing but the CLOTHES they were wearing. 

No possessions (can you imagine?  I wonder if you can.)

They had nothing, right?

What else did these survivors carry with them, no matter where they went?

• THEIR INTERNAL TOOLS…
• Their Spirit.
• Their Feelings.
• Their Values.
• Their Personality.
• Their Memories.
• Their Beliefs.
• Their Morals.
• Their Soul.

and

• their survival skills and tactics.
• their sense of Personal Power.
• their Love and their loss.
• their sadness and their Joy.
• their Wits.
• the belief that they CAN Make it through, no matter what.

Seems to me that we’d better make darned sure that our Internal tools are as sharp and honed as we can make them, as our External world can be stripped away at any moment.

What are you doing to make sure your Internal tools are the best they can be?

Day 92 of 100: Where are you along your path?

Here are 5 stages I came up with re: personal growth and development.  The bottom stage is where you are still living in, and controlled by, your past.  The top stage has cleaned-up most ALL of your past and are boldly and cleanly venturing into the future.

Where are you?

1       you
    past stuff    current life        future goals

2                you
    past stuff    current life        future goals

3                         you
    past stuff    current life        future goals

4                                  you
    past stuff    current life        future goals

5                                          you
    past stuff    current life        future goals

Stages of Growth

1. LIFE IS BEATING US
  Life is not working.  out of control emotions.  relationships suck.  you’re hurtin’, you’re escapin’, you’re cutting, you’re runnin’, you’re cryin or depressed, a lot.

2. LIFE IS DRAGGING US DOWN
  You’re ok, but not great.  You’ve got a job/career, but you don’t really like it.  You’re stressed about money.  You’re stressed about your relationship.  You’re not suicidal, but you’re sure not yippy skippy happy, either.

3. PERSONAL GROWTH HAPPENS
  We get some help.  We find out that we have gobs of pain and anger from our past that is VERY MUCH effecting us today.  We gain courage and self esteem.  We talk to people, get help from friends, books, websites, workshops, therapy, coaching, whatever.  We come to realize that personal connection and managing our Feelings & Emotions really are the keys to living a happy, successful life.

4. LIFE IS GOOD!
  Ok, here we go.  We’ve dealt with quite a bit of our past.  Our relationships, tho’ not perfect, feel pretty darned good most of the time.  We don’t go around angry or depressed as much as we used to.  We get down sometimes and we have issues, but hey, we ain’t perfect.  We’re actively dealing with them, clearing out as much as possible whenever things come up and we’re actively seeking out loving, lasting, close personal friends and loves.

5. LIFE IS GREAT!!
  We are ROCK’n the House.  Our career is Wonderful.  Our relationships are full of Love and Hope.  We are pretty much FREE of our past, unconscious issues.  We know where we’ve been, and we know where we’re going.  We know what we feel and we feel what we feel, in the moment, (or soon thereafter) and we let go of negatives quickly and gracefully. We get LOTS of hugs, we have many successes.  We laugh a lot (and we cry sometimes).  Life’s still happen’, but we have a really good handle on ourselves, our relationships and our outlook on life.  Yeehaa!

In Stage 5, we have truly TAKEN CONTROL OF OUR LIVES!

Day 91 of 100:  How our Behaviours are Created.

Here’s how our brain works.

There are 2 sides of the brain, the Left hemisphere and the Right hemisphere.  The Left side handles logic, thought and reason, known as the Cognitive side.  The Right side is for pictures, sound and feelings, known as the Affective side.

Our behaviors are determined by a combination of the Cognitive and Affective sides of our brains, our Thoughts and our Feelings.

Therefore, if you want to change your behaviors (addictions, co-dependence, communications, success, etc.) we gotta look at the Thoughts we have created (our Beliefs, Values and Ideals) and our Feelings (anger, sadness, joy, love, etc) which underlie all behaviors.

In other words, if you don’t like who you are, and what you’re doing… or your actions are just not working for you or for your relationships… you CAN change it!  You have total control!

To read more, get Doc’s book "Taking Control of Your Life", which explains the Cognitive-Affective-Behavioral model of therapy.

Good luck with it all.
- Matt