Day 77 of 100: Anger is NOT a primary feeling!
Of your body’s primary feelings (including fear, sadness, physical pain, joy, peace, love, etc) anger is not one of them. Anger is what we call a ‘secondary feeling’, in that:
"You will always feel something first, BEFORE you feel anger."
- Doc Downing, Ph.D., LMFT
For example, let’s say you’re irate at a ‘crazy driver’ who just cut you off. Well, the reality is that just Before you got angry, you first probably felt Fear (a primary feeling), and then turned that into Anger (because the fear was uncomfortable and powerless).
Same goes for anger at a child or loved one. Let’s say you’re angry at your teenager for skipping school. If you dig a little deeper, you’ll probably find that you are really Afraid that he or she will get in trouble, not amount to anything, not learn to respect rules, etc.
The cool part is that, once you dig a little, you can find the root of your anger — and realize that it’s not really Anger at all. That makes the Anger totally OPTIONAL, if you’re honest with yourself and stick with the primary feeling that was created Before the anger. Side note: if you’ve been angry at someone for a very long time, like a birth parent, it’s moved in your body into the Rage category, which must be handled differently.
Try it. Next time you get angry, ask yourself: "What did I feel BEFORE I got angry?" — and deal with THAT emotion, rather than the Anger, and your anger will probably disappear.
Let me know how it goes.
- Matt
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