On the drive home tonight a comment made by Doc clicked with a comment I had made to Matt to come up with an interesting realization (believe me, interesting was not the first phrase that came to mind). For as long as I remember my dad has been angry and expressed that anger verbally and physically against my sisters and mothers. I do not remember any anger being directed at me but I always had a feeling that I was a disappointment.
Over the years I have become my dad’s confidant when it comes to the troubles he is having with my sisters’ lifestyles and my stepmother’s contributions to the problem. As his confidant, I get to see the caring, concerned, and loving side of my dad while my sisters only see and experience his anger. Doc made the statement that the reason my dad is so angry with my sisters is that he loves them so much and that is reinforced with my conversations with my dad. My dad has been and is a lousy father when it comes to nurturing and providing validation. I’ve been told that I need to fire him as my father. As much as there is a piece of me that agrees, there is a bigger piece that feels that there is some unfinished business to take care of.
In my family love and anger have always been tied very closely together. So much so that it took ND for me to see the difference between pure love and anger and the love/anger combination that I had been taught. On the drive home that unfinished business became clear to me. While I learned how to avoid having his anger directed at me. I realized tonight that deep down I wanted that anger directed towards me. He is emotionally unavailable except through his anger. It is only through his anger that he could express his love. If he was never angry with me, then he never loved me (okay, what twisted logic was the first phrase that came to mind). I have spent years trying to be the good daughter and win his approval and love. I have always felt like I have fallen a little bit short every time. I can also see that I was looking for my husband to express his love for me through anger and he wouldn’t. He would avoid conflict at any cost to avoid showing his anger.
Now I am not dreading the week I’m spending with dad at Christmas. I want to make amends with my sister and hopefully be given a second chance to have a relationship with her. I also want to ask my dad how he feels about me. Not because I still need his approval and love (I would like to have them) but because I need to remove my doubts about his feelings so that I can finally separate the image of love and anger in my head. I don’t want to find a partner who can only express his love through anger; I deserve better than that. And I do not want to reject a loving partner because his love is not expressed through anger; neither one of us deserves that.
Sue Wiseman
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