• Who or what are you Angry at?
• Who or what Hurt you the most?
• Who or what are you most Afraid of?
• What is keeping you from Releasing the pain?

• Do your emotions work for you, or against you?
• Do you find yourself Repeating unhealthy behaviours, and don’t know why, or how to stop them?
• Are issues from the past ruining your present day life?
• Does your life feel out of control?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, you could use more Emotional Intelligence (EQ) training.  You probably have plenty of Mental Intelligence (IQ) training… but what about the OTHER HALF of your life?!?

Learn, grow, feel, connect, smile!

- Matt

Healthy Anger: How to Help Children and Teens Manage Their Anger

Anger, when properly understood, tells more about wants and needs than about the person or situation that has caused the anger.

Getting Control of Your Anger: A Clinically Proven, Three-Step Plan for Getting to the Root of the Problem and Resolving It Robert Allan

Dr. Allan’s 3-step program gets to the source of anger:

• Step One identifies the "hooks"–good reasons to get angry–and how to avoid them.
• Step Two identifies the "need" that is causing the anger.
• Step Three teaches you how to fill the need.

John Bradshaw on Shame, Healing and Families

Violating Anger vs. Liberating Anger

Violating Anger:
Speak about "you"
Comes from a feeling of Powerlessness
Has a twist
Manipulates the truth
Has a hidden agenda
Attacks to hurt
Blames and proves "guilt"
Is a weapon
Seeks to discredit the other as a person
Has no accountability
Hides behind innocence
Is righteously superior
Assumes another’s motives
Needs a villain
Refuses to claim anything
Seeks to punish
Uses information to make a case against the other
Fears exposure
Leads to abuse
Alienates and violates

Liberating Anger:
Speaks about "I"
Comes from a feeling of Power
Is straight-forward
Seeks the relief of honest self-expression
Wants to discover the truth
Expresses the hurt and anger
Confronts
Is a tool
Seeks to expose
Demands accountability
Chooses not to hide
Is adamant
Never assumes motives
Rejects villains
Claims its part
Determines consequences for itself
Uses information for clarity and understanding
Values exposure
Leads to intimacy
Liberates

"Adults who are most effective in helping children manage anger model responsible management by acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for their own angry feelings and by expressing anger in direct and non-aggressive ways.

When children are embroiled in an anger-arousing interaction, parents & teachers can help by listening without judging, evaluating or ordering them to feel differently.

A major challenge for early childhood teachers is to encourage children to acknowledge angry feelings and to help them learn to express anger in positive and effective ways."

article.

(we’d better figure this stuff out, folks, or our kids are in trouble.  imho, this is the #1 biggest, most powerful thing we can pass along to our kids: Emotional Intelligence.)

It’s official…

I now have an official title, that I can put on my resume…

I’m a "Provocateur".

One who pisses others off.

an instigator.

I was reading an excellent article on Anger, and it said "… some children express anger with aggressive revenge by physically or verbally retaliating against the provocateur."

that’s me.  the entrepreneur.  the provocateur.  the instigateur.

(the difference is that that’s my friggin’ JOB to piss people off!)

• we do anger reduction.
• we do anger expression.
• we do anger release.
• we do anger healing.
• we do anger diminishment.
• we do anger go bye-bye.

(and we’re pretty darned good at it… just ask any graduate.)

and it ain’t rocket science, ladies and germs… you can do this at home.  You can even do it alone (many find it easier to do WITH accepting, encouraging friends, but it can be done alone… I’ve been doing it for years… so, it can be done.  but still, now that I think about it… it is way nicer with people… warm hugs, caring, concern, love, more hugs.  I think the biggest thing that stops people is the Judgment of their feelings.  If one could Accept and Encourage YOUR OWN FEELINGS, nothing could stop you from expressing all of ‘em, as fully and completely as they are felt.)

do people need to do the work Of the inner child or For the inner child.

oh, it’s WITH the child!

that’s it.  The biggest, most important Relationship for you to have, and to hold, from this day forth…

Love for your Inner Child.

yep.  Actually, there are 2-3-4 relationships going on inside of you, that you had better pay attention to.

• there’s You with You, as a child.
• there’s You with You, as a teenager.
• there’s You with You, now, as an adult.

all must be healed. 

it’s about Acceptance.

- since 2 of 3 of these are in the past, their ain’t much you can do about it all now.
what happened, happened, right?  Why dig it up?  why mess with it? 

’tis true that you can’t do anything about the things that happened…

• But, your FEELINGS about what happened,
• … and your UNCONSCIOUS BELIEFS that were created inside you Because those things happened,
• … and your current ATTITUDES and THOUGHTS and RESULTING BEHAVIOURS around those things that happened to you, THAT’s where the secret lies!  That’s where the healing begins.

It doesn’t matter What happened to you.  (oh, and yes, shit has happened to EVERYbody… some stories are worse than yours, some aren’t, but that’s my point, isn’t it?).  The details are kinda irrelevant… it’s the Feelings that are the key to healing.

Through Doc’s work, and thru ND, we have found that the Feelings are the GLUE that lock all the other stuff in place.  Expectations, Beliefs, Attitudes, Thoughts, Opinions, Judgments, Guilt, Shame, the whole works… they’re all locked inside of you BECAUSE your feelings are locked inside of you.  period.  your Feelings are the Key!

again:

1. Acknowledge ‘em.  yep, you got ‘em.  denial or not.
2. Accept ‘em.  they are normal, and natural, and wonderful, and YOU.
3. Express ‘em (in positive ways, please), and poof, they’re free to change.

(there’re more, if you’re interested.)

If you work directly with the Feelings, the other stuff is really free to change.
try it.
it works.
trust me.  (or don’t trust me and try it anywayz.)
- Matt

]]> http://2gethelp.org/blog/emotional-intelligence/thoughts-on-anger-3/feed/ 0 http://2gethelp.org/blog/emotional-intelligence/thoughts-on-anger-2/ http://2gethelp.org/blog/emotional-intelligence/thoughts-on-anger-2/#comments Wed, 06 Dec 2006 23:23:05 +0000 Cheryl Montgomery-Nolan http://2gethelp.org/blog/uncategorized/thoughts-on-anger-2/

so what’s up with that?

why do I go around Pissing people off so?
        is it just ’cause they pay me to?
                or do I get some perverse pleasure out of it?
                        (well, I have to admit, it is kinda fun…)

but, No.

I do it mainly ’cause it WORKS. 

If you asked me "what’s the #1 biggest, fastest, most powerful thing I can do for my emotional growth?"
I’d say, "Deal with your Anger!!"

• Yes, it gets ugly.
• Yes, it’s damned uncomfortable.
• Yes, it will probably mess up your hair.
• Yes, you will probably say bad words.
• Yes, it could be semi-dangerous, even.

I have one word for you, that my dad used to say to us…
        "T-U-Fuff-Fuff    tuff."

yes, that’s how it is.  if you have kind, accepting, loving people around you, you can get as ugly as you need to get, to get those uglier feelings out of you.

        It ain’t always fun, but it’s gotta be done.

Here, I’ll break it down for you…
        you can start in any of 3 places… but you gotta do all 3.

1. Awareness:  Don’t ask yourself, "Am I Angry?"
        a.  that’s a yes/no question, easily dismissed with a generalized No.
        b.  Ask yourself "Who or what am I angry at?"
        c.  YOU ARE ANGRY, get out of denial.  It’s totally IMPOSSIBLE for you to not be angry at Anything in your past.

        then start writing (or talkin’ or yellin’ or …), it’s comin’…
                (remember, just ’cause you ‘understand‘ why someone did what they did to you, does not mean your body’s not pissed off about it.)

2. Acceptance:  It’s ok.  You’re angry.  We’re all angry.  join the club, baby.
        a.  It’s ok.  really it is.  whether your mom or your dad or your church or your aunt tillie thinks/says so or not.

        b.  Our Higher Power gave us this gift, to help us.  to protect us.  to drive us.  to teach us.
        c.  Do you also deny when you have to go to the bathroom?!?  (probably not, so why deny this bodily function?)
        d. Being angry is natural and honest and powerful and esteem-building.
        e.  As long as you come from "I", using "I feel…" or "I believe…" or "I don’t like…" message, there can be no argument… they are YOUR feelings and that’s that.

3. Expression:  Do you have old, blocked-up, unexpressed Anger and Rage from your childhood?
        a.  Again, YES, you do.  Get real with it.
        b. You’ve gotta ‘get it out.’.  Physically, emotionally, completely.  (you at least gotta go there once or twice so you’ll know how it feels… then, later, when you get good at using these tools… you can let yourself feel the feelings emotionally without some of the physical-ness of rage and anger release… and still heal your issues… it’s very cool.)

        c.  I’m sorry, but no matter how much eating, drinking, druggin’, exercising, praying or anything else you’ve done along the way to try to Deny, or Stuff, that old anger, it didn’t work.  It’s still there. If you haven’t dealt with it, face-to-face, 100%, fer Real, you ain’t dealt with it.  Your body remembers.  Your spirit knows.  You’ve still got those pictures in your head.

        d.  You gotta feel how GOOD, GREAT, AWESOME it feels to get to the ROOT of your core Anger and Rage!!!!  It’s amazing.  You dive into those waters coming back with a new understanding; Refreshed, Rejuvenated, Released, and you can’t help but Rejoice.  It’s really quite awesome.  (wanna get a free buzz anytime, trying letting yourself be as angry as your body wants to feel… whoa).

rock on.
- Matt

I’m not really asking for anything.
this stuff just comes to me, so I report it to you.

I have been blessed to have a ton of experience in the area of intense emotional expression — face-to-face, with pillow in hand.

In fact, I’d venture to say that after 20 years of teaching ND, I have more experienced in this area than almost anyone. therapist or not.

• no body I’ve heard of goes head-2-head like I do.
• no body I’ve seen can deal with the most extreme forms of Rage and violent anger than we can.
• no body I’ve know can and will deal with your deepest depression, soul-crying sadness, heart-wrenching guilt and shivering, shaking fears.

Here’s a good testimonial for ya…

I believe that I have personally PISSED OFF more people than about anyone on the planet!!

hundreds.
thousands.

(and most would come up and hug me today, to thank me for doing so! how cool is that!?!)

Anger reduction is one of the big keys to taking control of your emotional life.

Happy people are Angry people (sometimes.)

once you can tap into your deepest, darkest, most violent, nastiest, worstest rage and anger…

• then, and only then,
• you can then learn to conquer it.
• to tame it.
• to direct it.
• to make friends with it.
• your anger will diminish.
• you’ll find how far you can go.
• you’ll understand yourself at a much deeper level.
• you will learn to Accept who you are, what you feel and what you’re all about.

I love my Anger… it sets me Free!!
- Matt

Hi:

Here’s a good article about dealing with Anger and Rage at work.  It’s entitled "Desk rage:  Workers gone wild". 

Some good quotes from the article:
"The people more likely to experience desk rage are those with the least power."  (powerlessness leads to rage).

"When we become angry, our bodies “flood” with a rush of adrenaline and other stress hormones that stay high in the bloodstream for two hours and interfere with our ability to think straight."
(when feelings go up, logic goes down).

"During times of flooding, people react in one of three ways. They either a) blame others, leading to screaming and yelling, b) blame themselves, leading to depression and self-loathing, or c) react rationally (correct answer), realizing that stressful events are part of life and findings ways to problem-solve and handle them."
(dealing with feelings is the very best way to resolve them).

Read on:  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15814840/page/2/

Keep Feelin’ and Healin’.
- Matt

What other people think about me and the value they place on me has always been very important.  It was the only way that I could accept that I was a valuable person.  In order to make me invaluable, I never said no and spent all of my time learning and mastering new skills.  Instead of being a jack-of-all-trades but master of none; I reached a point where I was a jack-of-all-trades, master of too many, and resentful of everyone’s demands of my time.  I never had any time for me since I was always too busy doing for others, learning new skills, or learning everything possible to build on the skills I already had.  None of this was anyone else’s fault except my own.  I gave my control to others so that I could feel accepted and needed.

During the first years of my marriage, my husband became interested in bowling.  He became so interested that he was always at the bowling center.  In order to spend some time with him, I would go with him and eventually began keeping score for his team.  Then we joined a mixed league so that we could bowl together.  One league became two.  Then I was bowling in two women-only leagues as well as the two mixed leagues.  Then I added a scratch league.   I became a board member of the local bowling association.  I learned how to inspect and certify bowling lanes.  I became the director of the junior leagues.  I became a junior coach.  I served on the board of a bowling club.  I became the secretary to just about every league at the center.  I work in every post possible at the center – desk person, mechanic, bartender, snack bar girl.  After eight years it reached the point where I dreaded coming to the center whether it was for work or for fun.  Every time I came to bowl with my team and just have some fun; I would end up dealing with a junior bowler or their parents or taking care of the latest disaster in operations that it seemed only I could fix.  I came to resent the people and everything to do with bowling.  When I broke my foot in a car accident and was unable to continue bowling, I walked away from it completely and never looked back or regretted leaving it behind.

This same cycle recurs over and over and over again in my life.  Until recently, I never understood why I kept repeating the cycle and walking away from people I cared about and activities I enjoyed doing.  If I let people in too close, there will be pain, and anger, and resentment.  If I don’t let anyone in, there is loneliness, self-doubt and low self-esteem.  Which one is the worse set of feelings?  Generally the one I was in at the moment since I would bounce back and forth between the two.  It all boiled down to whether I felt worthy enough to associate with people.  When I didn’t feel worthy, I was alone and lonely.  When I felt I may be worthy, my compulsion would take over and I would set myself up to be used and hurt and prove to myself once again that I wasn’t worthy.

Every time that an opportunity to learn something new or take on additional responsibility I now stop and ask myself what the purpose would be in accepting it.  Am I doing this so that I can become valuable to someone else?  Am I doing this because it is something I want to do?  Am I going to feel guilty about this if I don’t do it perfectly?  Am I going to enjoy doing it?  If I am doing it for me without any guilt associated with it, then I will do it and increase my self-worth.  If I am doing it because I feel I should, then I say no.  Doing it will only be setting me up for another blow against my self-worth.

     Sue Wiseman